Interview With IMPALED

Posted on May 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

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What’s wrong with Ross’s bone?
Leon: In lieu of answering this question directly, I shall recite a poem:
There once was a young fellow from Kent,
Whose prick was Incredibly bent
To save himself trouble, he shoved it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
Ross: See the thing about my bone is, well, sometimes I just get nervous, and it just won’t work right. I hear it happens to lots of guys.

Didn’t you do some shows with Incantation and Nile a while back? How was all that? How many shows was it? Did you get free beer?
Leon: Uh, it was a tour, actually, moron. We did 29 shows in 31 days. We were boo’ed offstage every night and sold only one nickel’s worth of mercantiles. Raul hit on a girl, though.
Ross: Chief bought us all Jaeger shots. My favorite night was when I took some Zanex this guy gave me, which is one of those mood altering drugs. The reason being, that is the only night which I have been able to not remember. I did, however, enjoy seeing you, Bruce, at the San Bernadino MetalFest. Especially when you when you gave me the reach-around while my ex-girlfriend watched.

Was it nice to play somewhere else other than the CW saloon?
Leon: Like you wouldn’t believe. We always get a verbal raping from Lords Aesop and Cobbet for our trouser-free shenanigans.
Ross: Personally, I think it’s been good for us to play just about every other week for the same group of ten to twenty people. That’s made us the huge stars we are today. Thanks, ten to twenty people!!

What’s are your future plans for touring?
Leon: Breaking up.
Ross: Agreed.

Who picks out all your stage clothes? Does Ross really smear vasoline all over his pants for maximum shine before you go on?
Leon: No, actually you have it all wrong. He smears vasoline all over his LEGS to get into his pants.
Ross: Yep, and then I get the shine from Turtle Wax applied with a Pampers Diaper. And yes, those are official endorsements.

Who does all your base are REALLY belong to?
Leon: Cats. Didn’t you watch the thingy? For great justice, take off every ‘zig,’ bro.
Ross: Bruce, you have no chance to survive. Make your time.

On the cover of your “The dead shall all The Dead….” whatever cd, there’s a nice picture of some nice fresh Bacon coming out of a toilet along with some other meatacious products. Do you like bacon a lot? What kind of bacon was that? Farmer Johns? Did you know that bacon is really bad for you?
Leon: It’s not BACON!! It might be something closer to bologna, though. I dunno, but it sure did smell beefy. We headed to the Gilman so all the vegan sissies we know would start getting stomach cramps and farting when we got near them, such was our stench.
Ross: Dude, you are such a posuer. That was Sizzline. Shit, bitch, don’t you know we gotta use something meatier?

So I hear that the printing press wouldn’t print your new cd “CHOICE CUTS” due to some gross artwork? Was there more bacon involved in this photo?
Leon: IT’S NOT BACON!!
Ross: The Muslims and Jews are up in arms. I swear, I was sure that bacon was okayed by the Church of Mohammed in the use of gory CD covers. So are you enjoying the scene in the city by the bay? Leon: No, fuck this bullshit. Ross: I’m just watching the ships roll in, and then I watch them roll away again. Wastin’ time.

What is your favorite Metal shirt from the Matt Harvey collection? Does he wear them all to work?
Leon: I don’t know, and I don’t care. As long as he is wearing a shirt and covering his unsightly, fudgy gut, then they’re all winners in my book.
Ross: My favorites are the one with the holes in them, near the bottom of the front of the shirt, which come from him using it as a kind of glove while he rubs his package. After awhile, you can see his belly button.

Do you think that he can score me a Journey Jersey T for cheap?
Leon: I’m sure he’ll loan you his.
Ross: I’ll kill you.

Do you wear your bullet belt to work?
Leon: I wear the to JOB interviews, you bastardguy!
Ross: I wear a studded belt with a big silver buckle in the design of Giger’s alien. The bullets make it hard for me to pull out my wallet, and consequently bitch slap you with.

How come Ross doesn’t work at necropolis? Does he have any marketable skills besides breathing fire?
Ross: No comment.
Leon: How come you don’t work there? You don’t have a job.

Does Raul like Brujerea?
Leon: Does the pope shit in the woods?
Ross: I heard Raul was in Brujeria (correct spelling by the way, you fucking guerro tonto)

Have you ever considered trying to cook your bacon with Ross’s flame belching trick on stage?
Leon: IT’S NOT BACON!!
Ross: IT’S NOT BELCH!!

Who is your METAL GOD?
Leon: Mike Amott.
Ross: I’m pretty sure it was Hephaestus, but you wouldn’t know that, en-educated cur.

Does anyone really like Abscess?
Leon: Who doesn’t like Abscess? Are you silly or something, boy? You are straight trippin’.
Ross: “Tormented” is a fucking great album, and if you don’t like it, something is seriously wrong with you. There, that was my one straight answer. All the rest have been homo-gay, for your convenience.

Have you ever tried the “Bacon Wave” – as seen on TV?
Leon: I can’t admit to having to, but it sounds delicious, if it’s not a reference to your penis or something.
Ross: As a vegetarian, I am deeply offended. I would never eat your penis, Bruce. I mean, taste testing is one thing, but…

Have you ever considered “cooked Bacon” for your album covers or wouldn’t that be “METAL” enough? Raw Bacon is pretty brutal huh?
Leon: It’s not…oh fuck it. I hate you.
Ross: Can we use Morningstar Farms’ “Breakfast Strips” for the next cover? I’m having some ethical dilemmas, here, guys.

Did you know that if you dip Jack in the Box’s chicken strips into their new magic BBQ sauce they taste just like Buffalo wings? Do you have any magic sauce that might make their chicken strips taste like BACON?
Ross: I have some magical sauce, that only “cums” out when you rub my “magic lamp.” I noticed that you, Bruce, were quite fan of it, coming back for more and more.
Leon: That sounds delicious. Once while we were recording I went to Jack in the Box and got 3 eggrolls and drove back to the studio. Once there, I proceeded to eat these eggrolls, and like, a half an hour later, I totally threw up.

You have quite a massive amount of terrifying words in your lyrics. Do you really sing all those lyrics when you play? It must be a difficult task to remember them all. There must be a million “big kid” words in there that even I would have trouble pronouncing in a mighty deathmetal voice! How do you do it?
Leon: I don’t, that’s why I have a death metal voice.
Ross: Actually, we replace all the words live with Hebrew scripture from the Torah. It’s fucking hard, and come to think of it, I can’t remember why we do it.

Do you have anything to say about NOCTUARY? I hear Rob eats a lot of Bacon!
Leon: Joey would be the ultimate hot chick if he shaved his “mustache.”

What’s the new album gonna be like as compared to the last one? Was James Murphy involved?
Leon: No, James Murphy was busy entertaining a crowd of hundreds with his delightful kung-fu antics and Beavis and Butthead impressions. That James. What a character!
Ross: Last I heard, James Murphy was in a record store that my friend works at (not a friend of a friend, my friend Aaron, the punk rocker, and the store was Amoeba) and he was there with a skank ho bag, and he started opening Testament CDs. The manager asked him what he was doing, and he said it was okay, he was in the band and was showing the skank he was from Testament. They promptly kicked him out. Ha ha!!!

Really though…what is the obsession with the bacon really about?
Leon: You see me? I’m weeping.
Ross: Swine is the food of the devil!

What’s with that RX doctor thingy all over your amps and all over you stuff? Who told you that was cool?
Leon: My uncle Dexter. He made it up. He mumbled through a drunken slur something about doctors and porn, and that sounded pretty close to the mark.
Ross: Actually, nobody. I’ve been told over and over again that it’s not. That, or, “What does that thing mean? Uhh, durrrr, my name is Bruce Reeves, and my teensy weensie brain can’t figure it out, duh. I am so dumb, and my penis is small.”

Are you a doctor of METAL? Do you guys get annual check ups together to ensure your METAL HEALTH?
Leon: If left unchecked, metal health will drive you quite mad, as Quiet Riot noted*. * blatant Onion quote/rip-off. Ross: It just lends to our credibility when we tell the ladies it’s time for their checkup, heh heh, know what I mean? Heh heh… it hasn’t worked yet.

What are your feelings on Tuna Casserole?
Leon: Whatever makes me sorta gaseous, but doesn’t leave a streak, I am totally down for.
Ross: Well, I wouldn’t eat it, and it’s not that cool that it kills dolphins and stuff, but that Charlie is a major dick weed and deserves to die.

Future plans for rocking the nation / Last comments?
Ross: Bow wee grahn opp, weep ninny bong.
Leon: Go to our site, http://impaled.net It’s better than this one.

Interview With CROM

Posted on in Uncategorized

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JELLO-First of all, what the hell is your problem, and who the hell do you think you are?
PHILIP THE MIGHTY- What’s your problem asshole, fuck you, we’re Crom!

You seemed to be influenced by a whole lot of god damned nothing. What is your excuse?
I like early Nothing. Our drummer for some reason is a huge fan of Nothing. Even the later days. Nothing rules, just admit it.

Did you hear that Swarzenegger is running for govenor of CA or something? Don’t you own his hairy boots from the Conan saga? They might fetch a handsome price now if he’s elected. What do you think?
Conan used to go to the shows back in the day when there were no sword limits.

Honestly though, would you be able to part with such an inspirational peice of memmorobillia? I heard that you wear them when you play, and refuse to go onstage without them?
Shoot arrows, eat pussy.

Okay….What does CROM like to do in their free time? Any other side projects we should know about?
Shoot arrows, eat pussy.

Why is Grace Slick such a whore? Would you take a dip into that dark chocolate?
Why is Conrad Bain such a prude? None of your business asshole!

If James Murphy would have come into the studio during your recording “sesh” and beat up Carlos Reveco (producer), would you have let him take over the producing duties for the remainder of your recording?
If he would duplicate the same solo he performed on the Gorguts record, then I would have faith that he would eat my ass.

Remember that movie “Clan Of The Cavebear”? That was cool huh? You have some sort of “cave bear” on the cover of your CD!
Remember the movie, “Clash of the Titans” with the mechanical owl?! Fuck you!

Do you weild an axe or a sword in time of battle?
Champagne bottle in the ass. Buttgun it fat end first!

Who were the main forces in the “Cocaine wars of 1974 – 1989″? Were you enlisted to fight?
Was I enlisted? Do you want it in the ass?

Do you find that sweet cocaine aids in your performance when “Fighting Til Death”?
Do you find that sweet cum AIDS your performance when eating the shit out of a man’s ass?

While spinning your disk (The Cocaine Wars 1974-1989) I am taken on a musical journey, a quest if you will….. at times It makes me want to dance, cry, and scream for the love of Jesus Christ, but most of all it makes me want to log on to log on to Napster and perform endless searches for the Doobie Brothers, Edgar Winter, Van Hallen, Slayer, Iron Maiden, and Steely Dan! Can you explain this to me? Have you created a monster with your subliminal suggestion?
Yes. More ass.

I was disappointed that you left out the metal ballad duet with Lita Ford that I was hearing so much about. Why was that song get from the CD? What was the title again?
Carlos Reveco eats goat balls for breakfast. Leave us alone.

Many musical references have been made to the mighty Slayer on this new record. Aren’t you scared that Tom Araya will come over to your cave one day after hearing it and want to kick your ass in for ripping his bands sweet tunage?
GiJoe blob? He-man hand job? She-ra mustache ride?

Do you guys get your asses kicked a lot when you play?
Only once. So far.

Why do you even bother?
No, you!

Is beer an important part of CROM’s balanced breakfast?
Does Michael Louie Meza Jr eat chorizo?

What the fuck?
If you really want to know, when we were recording in Guam at Jimmy Buffet’s studio, the humidity was affecting the pink noise levels and we had to augment our oscillations with 100% pure Egyptian cotton wind screens, I could go on but what’s the point, you guys only care about RBI’S and shit.

Any last comments / solutions to teen suicide?
“Is this a joke?” – Glenn Danzig (when he was shown the Crom Album). We’re better than Geddy Lee’s solo album. And Robin Trower will play on one more record and that’s it. We also like your mom’s b-hole. Write to allhailcrom@hotmail.com for crom T-shirts and misc. panty shots.

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